Dearest J

So here is a letter I wrote during my first stay in hospital, when I was piecing my identity back together. 

Names have been changed to protect the identity of those involved in this story. 

This is the second of a series of deeply personal letters I am hoping to write. I hope publishing this will be a step towards finding closure on this issue. I doubt I will ever be able to “stop dwelling” on it though. I hope in the future I can take all the pain, fear and doubt and channel it into helping others who have been through similar experiences find themselves again. This letter is only a tiny piece of the jigsaw that was my fractured identity. My issues run much deeper and are rooted much further in the past, it will take me a long time and a lot of writing to put things fully into perspective, for myself and others. 

Thank you to those directly involved in this incident for giving me consent to share this with the inter-webs.

P.S To everyone who could not help me please do not worry. I have already forgiven you. I think I know who I can trust now.

Please take some time to listen to what I have said in this letter, imagine I was your wife, your girlfriend, your sister, your mother, your friend.

I would do it for you.

Dearest J,

I would like to talk to you but I am very afraid. I know this will not be pleasant for you to hear but the reason I am afraid; the root of my psychosis and delusions is you.

I honestly do not know what is real and what is unreal anymore.

I do not know if my opinion is valid.

I do not know if, in some twisted way, you were trying to help me.

In my opinion you are a predator.

How you treated Alison, Lauren, Steve, Oscar and myself was horrible.

You broke me. Actually broke me.

Worst of all, you twisted my own words and beliefs and used them against me. To deliberately confuse me and cloud my mind, when all I tried to do was help you.

You made me feel like I was the guilty one when you hurt my friends, because I was the one who let you in.

I felt isolated. I felt alone. I felt like I couldn’t talk to anyone about what was happening to me, because if I did I would be just like you. It felt like you were a black mirror; a dark reflection of everything I hated about my own personality.

I invited you into my life, into my home, and into my friendship group and you did something that is irrevocably wrong.  What you did to Alison was wrong. She may not have been hurt by your actions but if you do the same thing again to someone else they will be.

The sad thing is, when I cut you out of my life some of my male friends were pushing me to talk to you not about you. I couldn’t talk to you though, I was terrified. I was terrified of you.

It took for my Dad to be diagnosed with terminal Cancer for this pressure to talk to you to stop. Even though I was telling the people putting pressure on me that I couldn’t do it. I didn’t realise I was a victim at the time.

It took the death of my Father for people to stop applying pressure and actually give me time to process what was happening.

You used to tell me that nothing is black and white, then try to tell me that my beliefs are wrong.

You made me question myself and I haven’t been able to think clearly since.

I used to have convictions.

I used to have beliefs.

I used to have dreams.

I was working on opening myself up to people when I let you in to my life. I was actually making steady progress with my anxiety.

Then you followed me around the house, even when I was clearly uninterested. I wanted so much to tell you to get the fuck away from me but I couldn’t because you presented yourself to me as a vulnerable person, and I didn’t want to drive you to suicide.

When the only place you can get peace and quiet in your own home is the bathroom there is something incredibly wrong.

When the only people you feel you can talk to are your colleagues, because they are neutral, there is something unbelievably wrong.

I was isolated by distance from my family.

You isolated me from my friends.

You isolated me from potential friends. People I should have trusted; I came to believe that my presence as a woman in this world would drive the men I connected with on an emotional and intellectual level insane. That is what you accused Lauren of doing. Your voice was like a demon telling me I was worthless.

My office became a safe space. A space to think and relax and talk to good people while my home was a twisted reflection of my mind. This made it very difficult to work in the office. It became the only place where I felt I could be myself. My office full of men.

You encouraged me to have a physically close relationship with you all the while making me feel guilty about having a physically close relationship with other men. To do that would be a betrayal of Oscar, who I love very much. According to what you were telling me anyway.

I don’t know what you have said or done to Oscar, maybe making me go insane was enough for you.

The millionth worst thing about what you did is that when I tried to talk to my friends about it a lot of them didn’t believe me and stuck up for you. So I stopped speaking about you.

I was constantly made to feel guilty for talking about what you did to me.

Do you know how confusing that is for me?

I am in a mental health unit now. Getting the help I need. It is frustrating and I just want to leave but they won’t let me because I need to learn how to spot the people I can trust and not let people like you into my life. I need to learn to behave in a way that is safe. I need to learn that my voice is more important than yours. I know what is best for me.

In some twisted way, I feel like I have learnt a lot from you. You know about a lot of stuff. You encouraged me at times to follow my passions, then derided me when I took your advice.

You took my advice and twisted it to try and isolate me from my friends, my colleagues, my family and my boyfriend.

What were you saying about me to them?

I don’t know what would have happened if I hadn’t made you leave my house. What would you have done to me?

I had to kick out one of best friends as well because I was too scared to tell you to go away. No one would do it for me. No one saw what you were doing to me. Maybe they didn’t want to see it?

What did you do to me that I cannot remember?

You used to talk about working with “worthwhile people” but I have a lesson for you.

ALL PEOPLE ARE WORTHWHILE.

Now please kindly fuck off. Stay away from me and get the help you need.  

Kindest Regards

Suze.

P.S To everyone who could not help me please do not worry. I have already forgiven you. I think I know who I can trust now.

Please take some time to listen to what I have said in this letter, imagine I was your wife, your girlfriend, your sister, your mother, your friend.

I would do it for you.

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