The Tragic Origins of Doubt

 

It took a long time for me to realise life isn’t a fairy tale. Just because I did not know who my biological parents are doesn’t mean I am destined for great things. A common trope in Fantasy literature. 

I am not a secret Targaryen. 

“Abandoned” children do not have special destiny’s waiting for them; for me there was confusion and pain. 

And later there is hatred, born out the love I feel for the my parents; the man and woman who raised me. Hatred and rejection. 

Then I turn 21 and history repeats itself; the cycle of grief and guilt continues. I spiral into a dark place. From that grief comes understanding. From that understanding comes acceptance, forgiveness and eventually love. 

At 28 I have accepted your decisions; I know the fear and the guilt and the pain. At 28 I know that my existence must haunt you. For that I am sorry. I hope you can forgive me the way I have forgiven you. 

 I write these words in the hope that one day I can bring you the peace I have found. In the hope that one day I can tell you how strong you are. Stronger than I’ll ever be. I want to tell you that I love you; that I’m grateful for everything you’ve done for me. 

I offer these words as my gift to you and hope they can bring you comfort.

I have doubted my-self my whole life.

The origin?

Not knowing my BIOLOGICAL parents?

People don’t like to talk about it.

It makes them uncomfortable.

DON’T ASK, DON’T TELL?

DO ASK DO TELL?

Was it the trauma of birth?

The trauma of simply existing?

The trauma of being given up?

Or was I given away?

Mandy, oh Mandy, you came

And you gave.

Without taking.

And you gave me away,

Oh Mandy.

SJL

P.S

  • I’m wearing your bracelet now, I will never take it off,
  • I have forgiven you,
  • I forgave you years ago,
  • I can’t find you to tell you,
  • I am grateful.

You CHOSE my family FOR ME.

You CHOSE WELL.

Thank you. For doing what was BEST FOR YOU.

And by extension, what was BEST FOR ME.

Without you I wouldn’t be here.

Safe and warm with my kitten, snuggled up on a futon in my living room,

Ready to go to sleep.

I do not know you, but I love YOU!

I am READY.

I feel READY.

I still have doubts.

I am EMBRACING them.

I want to learn about you.

To help me piece my identity together again.

THANK YOU, OH MANDY.

THANK YOU.

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